Many people can be faced with the honourable task of writing a funeral for a friend. Telling stories and memories about life stages and experiences at the funeral of a friend can help those grieving. Sometimes friends ask each other to do this at each other’s funeral. Funeral celebrants also have to do this, and writing a funeral for a friend isn’t easy, but it is the last thing we can do for those we love and care about.
Writing a Funeral for a Friend
Where do you start when you are writing a funeral for a friend?
How can you put all you want to say into words?
How do you speak when you are grieving and in shock for somebody you love?
Perhaps start with how and where you met. What brought you together? Many friends met as children or teenagers. This is an important starting point. School, college, university, holidays, music, sport, nights out, any nicknames you had for each other (and why, if you think disclosing this is acceptable for others to hear), adulthood, weddings and becoming parents are all milestones in friends relationships, and all subjects to talk about.
Friends have arguments and testing times, and it is ok to mention these as long as it doesn’t cause distress or embarrassment to anyone who will be attending the ceremony. Funny stories and memories should be said, but anything that makes others feel uncomfortable is best left for another time when only those relevant can hear. A funeral isn’t a platform for negativity or if there is ‘an axe to grind’. Funerals are an essential part of the grieving process, and they are required for closure in a heartbreaking time when somebody dies.
Time Limits at Funeral Ceremonies
Time limits are important to adhere to. All crematoriums and burial grounds have a set amount of time for each ceremony, and every funeral must fit within the allocated timeframe given. Most people are unaware that many crematoriums have a fine system in place and if a ceremony goes over, a ‘fine’ for doing so could be issued. This ensures each ceremony has an equal amount of time.
If you are the person leading the entire ceremony, the time restrictions are important for you to know. If you are writing a tribute to your friend, or their life story (also known as the ‘eulogy’), the funeral celebrant or officiant will ensure your words fit into the allocated timeframe and you do not need to worry about this.
Advice if You Have Been Asked to Write a Funeral
As a funeral celebrant and a funeral celebrant trainer, advice is to be yourself. If you are writing a funeral for a friend or a family member, write as you would speak. Everyone at the ceremony are people you will know and love. Don’t use language unfamiliar to you. Speak from the heart in your own voice.
If you have been asked to write and lead the entire ceremony, ask the family, partner/spouse/children of your friend for words they would like you to say. You might find this information useful.
It can be an honourable and a daunting task, and that also happens when those of us who write funerals as a job are asked to do the same for our friends and family. A few years ago, I had ‘writer’s block’ when I was faced with the sad task of writing a funeral for a friend. This led to the creation of the following poem.
How Do You Write a Funeral For A Friend?
How do you write a funeral for a friend?
Which words can encompass their life and their end?
What can be said that hasn’t already been heard?
A life full of memories portrayed through your words
To stand and to read is truly an honour
You face your friend with grief upon her
You are professional with a job to do
But you hide your grief deep within you
Memories and stories some you remember
A poem to read chosen by a family member
Tales of youth when their whole life was ahead
It wasn’t that long ago and now they are dead
The music you play is silent to your ears
A room full of your loved ones all in tears.
You try not to make eye contact and must be strong
You hold it together all ceremony long
The button is pressed, and the music stops
Some more reading in the voice you must adopt
Tributes and smiles, it’s ok to laugh
We’re getting through it now, nearly past the second half
The tension is coming, the worst part is here
The part they are all dreaded, the part they all fear.
The atmosphere is changing, ‘you could cut it with a knife’
They must say goodbye to their beloved wife
The worst part is here; you prepare them to stand
To face curtains closing, actioned by your hand
Generic wording here has no place
Meaningful words greet pain etched on each face
The coffin is removed from everyone’s sight
A sea of wet eyes swollen in plight
You look outwards, you read the room
They cannot stand for long, nor sit too soon
Respectfully you state, ‘please be seated’
A return to composure, the farewell is completed
Words of thanks, please celebrate for the remainder of the day
Press the button, the final music starts to play
The funeral is over, you all got through it
Gratitude is awarded for your performance and wit
People approach as you awkwardly stand around
‘I don’t know how you did that’, a familiar sound
‘It’s what I do, it’s my job’
Your standard reply as your loved ones sob
The FD looks over, with the ‘time to move on’ face
Off to the pub, a familiar place
Why do you write a funeral for a friend?
To tell their story from the beginning to the end
To celebrate their life and hope it helps with grief
For this job reminds us life is brief.
Ellie Farrell 2021
It might not be an easy thing to do, but talking about personal memories, or memories of events shared by others in attendance, can bring back happy thoughts of the person who has died. Funerals are about celebrating a life as well as saying goodbye.
It is important to be aware that unless required by the immediate family of your friend or loved one, there aren’t any specific traditions or customs you had to follow or include. You do not have to wear black, hear religious hymns or Bible readings.
If you friend was a football fan, you can all wear football shirts or scarves. If they liked travelling, bring something from your favourite visited place. If they liked cocktails, bring one (check with the venue first), or ask for them to be available at the reception after the ceremony. Your friend was unique; their celebration of life should also be unique.
Funeral Ceremony Scriptwriting
If you require any help or advice when writing a funeral for a friend, I offer a scriptwriting service. Together we can put your words and the words of others into a script for you to read on the day. The funeral director and staff at the crematorium or burial ground will support you in leading the ceremony, including showing you how to play any music which will be heard and how to close the curtains when the time comes to say farewell.
For help and advice on funeral ceremony scriptwriting, please contact me.