How many of us would think of planning our own funeral? Probably not many as it is morbid and not something we want to think or talk about, right? Only very old or ill people die, so why would we even think this now? Wrong, (death isn’t reserved for old and ill people). Death is a physical occurrence for everyone and everything that lives and (sorry if this sounds blunt), it can happen at any time to anyone regardless of age or health.
Planning your own funeral isn’t morbid, it is practical; a good idea and here is why.
Why Planning Your Own Funeral Is Useful
Do you know what your wife/husband/partner/parents/siblings or close friends want to happen at their funeral? Do you know if tthey want to be buried or cremated? Do you know what kind of coffin (if they even want a coffin) they would like?
Have you heard the phrase ‘just put me in a carboard box and bury me in the garden, I won’t care as I’ll be dead’. Many have said this, and it can happen if you own your own garden. It could be classed as a natural burial. Important fact, you do not need to use the services of a funeral director or an undertaker either.
Birth, marriage (for those who do it) and death, the three biggest events of human life. Two are guaranteed for us all, and two we can make plans (if we choose to marry). We plan our marriages but do not plan our funerals, why? Planning a marriage is obviously happy and planning a funeral isn’t. We try to avoid everything which doesn’t make us happy and prefer not to talk about it. To most people, talking about death is taboo, something they want to avoid As the late Jon Underwood said:
‘Just as talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about death won’t make you dead’.
Jon Underwood, Founder of Death Café
When we die it is our wives/husbands/partners/sons/daughters/parents/siblings/closest friends or other people close to us who will arrange our funeral. How will they know what kind of funeral to arrange if we do not make our wishes known?
I have created many celebrations of life and funeral ceremonies when those arranging it did what they thought the person wanted as they hadn’t spoken about their funeral wishes.
This is why planning our own funeral and talking about what we want or leaving it written down (as my Grandfather did with even his suit labelled in his wardrobe) is essential.
In times of grief we are unable to function as we usually do. Planning your own funeral and informing of your choices takes a huge amount of stress away from those arranging it at a time of sorrow and immense grief.
What if we live to an old age and outlive those we told our funeral choices to? It would be nice to think our carers had some idea of the kind of funeral we wanted rather than going down the bog standard with some Christian religion traditional route.
Funeral Planning Checklist
Some of the choices to make when planning a funeral include:
Cremation or burial and at what crematorium or cemetery
Direction cremation or direct burial
Natural burial and where
Do you want to be embalmed
What kind of clothing do you want to go out in (depending on if it is a cremation or a natural burial)
Coffin or other kind of burial container such as a burial pod or shroud
What type of coffin do you want (wood, wicker, wool, cardboard, bamboo, etc)
Who would you like to carry it
Do you want a hearse, horse pulled carriage or alternative transport such as a lorry, sidecar, or tractor
A religious, semi religious, spiritual or life centred funeral ceremony
A funeral or a celebration of life
A celebrant led ceremony which will be personal and full of memories
Do you have a nickname or a family name you want to be referred to during the ceremony
Do you want a traditional or an alternative funeral
Prayers, religious reading and hymns or poems, stories, and your choices of music
Singing, a piper or a bugle player playing The Last Post for those who served in the military
Do you want flowers or donations to a chosen charity
Do you want your guests to be wearing traditional black or any other specified clothing/colours
If it is to be a cremation, where do you want your ashes to be scattered
What other choices or requests do you have?
A lot to think about but all these choices will have to be made by someone, wouldn’t it be a relief for your loved ones or people if you had made all these choices yourself, so they didn’t have to?
Talking About Your Funeral Plans
When you have made some decisions, write them down, print them off or email them to the appropriate people. (Always have a copy written down and placed in a drawer or important place where it can be found). Talk about your choices, it isn’t morbid or ‘tempting fate’, it is an efficient, and responsible thing to do to take a huge amount of pressure of those who will be arranging your funeral.
Have the conversation with your loved ones and people as it will hopefully encourage them to do the same and to talk about their choices. A great way from experience to start a conversation is ‘what are five of your favourites songs?’ This can easily lead into the question of ‘which of those songs would you choose to be heard during your funeral?’ Music is a great way to start a conversation.
As a funeral celebrant, pub conversations with friends will usually end up about funeral choices and planning. Many have been inspired to plan their funerals and have expressed it was a positive not morbid thing to do.
Informing Others of Your Funeral Choices
Sometimes it can be difficult to have conversations about funeral wishes with loved ones. It it is too upsetting for your family to talk about, why not write what you want to happen (and what you do not want to happen) in a letter. Seal it and leave it in a place they can find it. Tell them where it is. Tell all family members where it is so everyone is aware.
If planning your own funeral isn’t something you want to do, nor are your loved ones willing to talk about it, stating what you do not want to happen is an alternative way of getting information across. If you decide a religious funeral isn’t for you, simply state this at some point when you are with those who could be responsible for making the necessary arrangements.
Even a one line statement of ‘I do not want any flowers at my funeral’ or ‘I do not want anybody wearing black clothes at my funeral’ is making people aware of choices.
Many times when speaking with families to arrange the ceremony of their loved one, has somebody said, ‘I don’t want to be cremated’ and ‘I do not want any religion at my funeral’. These statements are likely to be remembered by at least one person present.
Planning your own funeral is taking away the need to make decisions from your family or friends at a time when they may not be able to make decisions. Planning your own funeral will make it easier for them and as it is your funeral, why not peronalise it with your choices.
If you would like further information on planning your own funeral, please contact me.