Two legs, four legs, more legs, no legs, our animals are part of our lives. They are our non-human companions, family members, fur babies, furry kids and many other titles given by us humans to our beloved pets. When they die, their loss is unbearable. Many people experience grief as they would through the death of a human, sometimes worse. Why is a funeral celebrant writing about grieving after the death of a pet? Isn’t our role just to create and perform ceremonies for humans?
The role of a funeral celebrant is to celebrate the life of those who have died, enabling those who love that person who has died to say goodbye. Funerals aren’t just for humans; we have them for animals too. Many funeral celebrants offer their services for animal funerals. Animals can be buried with a short ceremony, or cremated and their ashes brought home, buried or scattered in a chosen place. Some bury their animals in their garden, some in a chosen spot.
The most famous dog grave has to be that of Scotland’s Greyfriars Bobby. The Skye Terrier’s story is legendary and his grave is just inside the entrance of Greyfriars cemetery in Edinburgh close to that of his apparent owner. Visited by many who leave sticks, dog treats and toys on the grave of the little dog who died in 1872. This is how strong human connection is with dogs, ‘man’s best friend’.
Queen Elizabeth II reported said ‘grief is the price we pay for love’. Love and grief aren’t resigned for just human death, grief is the loss caused by no longer being able to see, interact, hold, talk to or share our lives with those we shared our lives with.
Grief isn’t reserved for human life. What we love, we grieve for.
Ellie Farrell
Grieving After the Death of a Pet
Why is grief through human death acknowledged, yet grief through animal death isn’t? Why do we think the death of an animal, isn’t as relevant to the death of a person? We share our lives with our animals, they love us unconditionally, they are part of our daily routine. When they are elderly or ill our daily routine fits around their needs ensuring we are there for them.
Grief is personal to every person (or animal as cats and dogs do grieve when their humans die, and other animals grieve too) trying to cope with it. Grief affects us physically and mentally. Our lives and daily routines have changed, and we must somehow try to carry on and get used to a different routine, a routine no longer based around the needs of our animals.
This change of routine is connected to our grief.
- Being able to work different hours or going into an office from working at home to be with an animal.
- No longer needing to go out at certain times of the day for walks.
- Cancelling direct debits for insurance or no longer needing to set aside money which we somehow manage to find for food, vets or groomers.
- Being able to go out for any or longer periods of time including car journeys, visiting friends or families, nights out, attending festivals or going on holiday. (These might sound as positive but for those grieving, this new found routine isn’t positive at the beginning, it is a reminder life has changed. Many miss the regimented routines they have lived by).
- No longer needing to wake up every night to let a dog/cat out.
- As when a human dies, the empty space in the bed or on the sofa; the now seemingly huge barren gap where there was an animal bed.
- Coming home to an empty house.
- Missing cuddles and everything about them.
Grief from any situation affects every part of our lives and our daily routine. When you love an animal, and that animal dies or must be rehomed because it’s needs cannot be met from a person or family, there will be grief.
Think before you speak. Some humans live alone with animal companions. Their whole day revolves around each other. When that animal dies, their life is sudden empty. Their best friend and life companion has died. Is it still ‘just a dog/cat’?
What Not to Say to Someone Who is Grieving After the Death of a Pet
‘It’s just a dog/cat/hamster…’
‘He/she had a good life’
‘Well they were old’
‘Are you getting another one?’
‘When my/our dog/cat/(animal) died…’
‘I know what you are going through’
‘Think of all the money you will save’
For subject identification, the words ‘pet’ or ‘pets’ has been used in this blog. To many of us, our animals are never ‘just a dog…’ Many do not refer to their pet as a pet, to some, they are our ‘kids’, ‘babies’, our ‘boys’, ‘girls’ and other given titles. What maybe ‘just a dog’ to some, is the whole world to its human(s)/family.
All animals humans share their life with should have ‘a good life’, sadly in this cruel world that isn’t the case. To someone who’s life has been significantly changed through the death of their animal, this statement isn’t comforting.
An animal might be old when it dies, but this doesn’t make it any easier for the person grieving. It can make it harder as they have shared so many memories and a large part of their life with that animal.
Why ask are you getting another one to a grieving person? It doesn’t stop their grief for the animal that has died and at times it can intensify their grieving. We can’t replace what we have lost, we might in the future find a space in our grief filled lives for love for a new animal to grow and reside.
For some, a new life in their lives can be of comfort, for others, it can be distressing. Those who see their animals as their babies liken the death of an animal to the death of a human. When a human dies we cannot replace them. A new relationship of any kind happens over time, we wouldn’t ask a grieving widow if she was thinking of getting married again.
Just as we wouldn’t when speaking to a person grieving over a human death, turn the conversation to how we felt in a similar situation isn’t of comfort to a grieving person, nor should it happen when talking about an animal. Grieving people do not want to, nor should they have to hear the experiences of others who have lost, it isn’t helpful, relevant or useful. It deflects from the person or people grieving, dismissing what they are personally going through. Grief is different for us all and two people will have different feelings from different experiences, even if the emotions and the event are the same.
Vets bills, food and other associated costs of animal ownership are expensive. For someone grieving who has spent a lot of money in recent times caring for their animal, this statement (although sometimes meant as a positive one) may not be well received by a grieving person. They would rather spend their money to have their animal.
Suggestions What to Say to Someone Who is Grieving After the Death of a Pet
Whether or not you can resonate with what someone grieving after the death of a pet is experiencing is unimportant. Some people are supportive and understanding, some find it difficult to understand why a person is so heartbroken over an animal’s death. Personal feelings are irrelevant, what is important is someone you know is in so much mental pain because a life they love so much has come to an end.
If you can’t or are unable to speak to a grieving person personally, an email, card, message, text, WhatsApp or a small thoughtful gift lets them know you are aware of their situation and you are thinking of them.
‘I know how much (animal’s name where known) means to you and I am sorry you have had to say goodbye to them’
‘How are you today?’
‘How are (if applicable) your other animals?’
‘Do you want to talk?’
‘Can I help you with anything?’
It’s the same when speaking to anyone who is grieving, compassion, empathy and concern should be expressed, if not the five stages of grief can escalate.
The Five Stages of Grief
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Guilt is a big emotional discomfort felt by many on the death of their animals. Having to make ‘that decision’ suggested to them by their vet is something every animal owner dreads to hear. Many feel guilty for making the decision to peacefully stop their animals pain, discomfort or restricted quality of life. Questioning their decision for a long time, sometimes for decades.
As animal owners, we can do this final act of love and kindness for our beloved animals when given medical assessment on their conditions by a vet.
Living With Grief
As with all grief, life has changed and adjustment to a different routine will take time. Planning to fill your time can be useful as for some, sitting at home for longer periods of time might not help.
- If walking in certain places is too upsetting, change your route. To some it is comforting to walk where they walked with their dog, to others it is too painful.
- Visit places you haven’t been to before or spend longer hours away from home if being at home is too much for you during this time.
- Some people change their rooms around or buy additional pieces of furniture to fill what has become an empty space in a room.
- Cuddly toys are useful for many who have difficulty sleeping in a spacious bed.
- Let people know what has happened. Inform your friends, neighbours and boss (if applicable) and ask them to tell those who need to know to prevent potential upset or awkwardness of being asked by somebody how your animal is.
- Talk to children about what has happened. Inform their teacher.
- Take each day as it comes, hour by hour. There isn’t a time limit on grief; you do not have to ‘get over it’.
- Decide if the time is right to welcome another animal into your life/lives. Only those directly involved can make such a life changing decision.
- Talk to people who understand or join one of the many animal bereavement groups on Facebook. These can be a lifeline in times of grief.
- Stop feeling guilty if you made ‘that decision’. You did the right thing for your animal.
- Planting flowers, trees, shrubs, putting up a plaque or having any memorial objects present in a created place of focus and contemplation.
- Have a space in your home with a photograph, a candle, a plant/flowers. Some create altars to their animal companions; some have special spaces where they put seasonal cards or other items.
- Scatter ashes in a favoured place such as woods or on a beach. Walking in this place can help you feel close to them.
- Know that you will smile again and there will be a time when the tears will slow down and stop, the headaches and anxiety will fade away and you will feel more able to cope.
We never ‘get over’ grief, we somehow learn to live with it. Time isn’t always the great healer we tell people it is. Time doesn’t fully heal; time makes the pain lessen.
If your non-human family member is remembered with love, and spoken of in years to come, they have never truly left you.
Just So You Know
I can’t stop grieving just because you believe it is time for me to move on.
I can’t stop hurting just because you do not understand the piercing pain in my heart.
I cannot stop my tears from flowing just because they make you uncomfortable.
My heart is not suddenly mended just because you believe I have grieved long enough.
I will grieve the loss of my loved one for the rest of my life.
Just so you know.
John Pete
Your animal means everything to you, they always will, love doesn’t end with death.